[Rhodes22-list] what about a joke athon, who can top this

[Hank]

Brad,

I can afford to do the jobs myself since I'm retired army and your taxes are
paying my medical bills,

Thanks,

Hank

On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 8:50 PM, Brad Haslett <flybrad at gmail.com> wrote:

> MJM,
>
> Too funny!  Whoever wrote the definitions of tools was obviously an
> aircraft homebuilder. I broke the little finger on my left hand last
> spring working on my airplane, the only digit on either hand that
> hadn't previously been broken using a Milwaukee 90 degree electric
> drill with what I determined to be a faulty switch.  I called
> Milwaukee the next day and explained what happened, how it happened,
> and what the problem with their product was - explained that I didn't
> want any money, just wanted to give them a heads-up call.  I got
> "yada, yada, yada, that's the first we've ever heard of this issue".
> The product was off the shelf nationwide within a week.
>
> It takes a couple of decades to figure this out, but it is cheaper to
> pay the professionals to do a lot of different jobs than it is to pay
> the medical bills.  As my brother says, "you can't beat a man at his
> own craft".
>
> Brad
>
> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 7:18 PM, michael meltzer <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com>
> wrote:
> > An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
> > buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
> >
> >
> >
> > The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall
> > mug of coffee.
> >
> >
> >
> > The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
> buffalo
> > with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and
> > then just walks out.
> >
> >
> >
> > The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
> pulling
> > another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says
> to
> > the waiter 'Want coffee.'
> >
> >
> >
> > The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
> > yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
> >
> >
> >
> > The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United
> States
> > Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to
> > clean up, disappear for rest of day.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --
> >
> > Common tools explained:
> >
> >
> >
> > DRILL PRESS:
> >
> > A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
> > out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
> > across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which
> you
> > had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
> >
> >
> >
> > WIRE WHEEL:
> >
> > Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
> > with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
> calluses
> > from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"
> >
> >
> >
> > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
> >
> > Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
> > age.
> >
> >
> >
> > SKILL SAW:
> >
> > A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> >
> >
> >
> > PLIERS:
> >
> > Tool used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> > blood-blisters.
> >
> >
> >
> > BELT SANDER:
> >
> > An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
> into
> > major refinishing jobs.
> >
> >
> >
> > HACKSAW:
> >
> > One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
> > transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
> more
> > you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> >
> >
> >
> > VISE-GRIPS:
> >
> > Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
> nothing
> > else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
> to
> > the palm of your hand.
> >
> >
> >
> > WELDING GLOVES:
> >
> > Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
> Welding-
> > heat to the palm of your hand.
> >
> >
> >
> > OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> >
> > Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
> on
> > fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want
> the
> > bearing race out of.
> >
> >
> >
> > TABLE SAW:
> >
> > A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
> for
> > testing wall integrity.
> >
> >
> >
> > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> >
> > Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
> your
> > new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
> >
> >
> >
> > EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
> >
> > Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
> > handle.
> >
> >
> >
> > E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
> >
> > A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
> > bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
> >
> >
> >
> > BAND SAW:
> >
> > A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
> > aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
> can
> > after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
> >
> >
> >
> > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> >
> > A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
> to
> > disconnect.
> >
> >
> >
> > CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
> >
> > A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
> > screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
> >
> >
> >
> > AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
> >
> > See hacksaw.
> >
> >
> >
> > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
> >
> > Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening
> old-style
> > paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
> > used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> >
> >
> >
> > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
> >
> > A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
> > screws into non-removable screws.
> >
> >
> >
> > PRY BAR:
> >
> > A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
> needed
> > to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> >
> >
> >
> > HOSE CUTTER:
> >
> > A tool used to make hoses too short.
> >
> >
> >
> > HAMMER:
> >
> > Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
> > kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
> > object we are trying to hit.
> >
> >
> >
> > MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
> >
> > Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
> delivered
> > to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
> vinyl
> > records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector  magazines, refund checks,
> > and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
> but
> > only while in use.
> >
> >
> >
> > DAMMIT TOOL:
> >
> > Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
> > "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
> > that you will need.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
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