[Rhodes22-list] what about a joke athon, who can top this

Steven Alm stevenalm at gmail.com
Wed Sep 10 01:45:21 EDT 2008


Three Englishmen riding on a train--all hard of hearing.

The train comes to a stop and the first one says, "Is this Wimsley?"

The next one says, "No, I think it's Thursday."

The third one says, "So am I.  Lets have a drink."

On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 11:44 PM, Brad Haslett <flybrad at gmail.com> wrote:

> Oh my, it's getting late and I'm getting delirious.  All this stink
> about pigs and fish and lipstick is too much.  So now for something
> completely different-
>
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrzMhU_4m-g&eurl=http://redstatechief.wordpress.com/2008/09/10/new-sarah-palin-smear/
>
> Brad
>
> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 11:05 PM, Rik Sandberg <sanderico1 at gmail.com>
> wrote:
> > Ben,
> >
> >> The neurologist knows alot but doesn't do much.
> >
> >
> > Been to one of those neurologists, I can vouch for that :-)
> >
> > Rik
> >
> > Ayn Rand was a prophet - - it isn't my fault
> >
> >
> >
> > Benjamin Cittadino wrote:
> >> So what's the difference between a neurologist, a neurosurgeon, and a
> >> neuropathologist.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The neurologist knows alot but doesn't do much.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The neurosurgeon does alot but doesn't know much.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The nuropathologist knows everything but too late to help anyone.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> (Malpractice lawyer's joke) Sorry....I guess you had to be there.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Ben C, s/v susan kay, highlands, nj
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Brad Haslett-2 wrote:
> >>
> >>> Hank,
> >>>
> >>> The firewall shutoff valve on the Bo is broken/missing - all it
> >>> consists of is a plate on a piano hinge but it is located in a small
> >>> box with poor access.  I've been wrestling with it for a few days
> >>> using mirrors and flashlights.  One of my hangar neighbors is a
> >>> retired dentist who is always offering help.  I called him over a few
> >>> days ago and said, "Doc, I've got a job that could use a man with your
> >>> talents".  He took one look at the situation and replied, "good luck
> >>> Son, I'm retired".
> >>>
> >>> Brad
> >>>
> >>> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 8:27 PM, Hank <hnw555 at gmail.com> wrote:
> >>>
> >>>> Brad,
> >>>>
> >>>> I can afford to do the jobs myself since I'm retired army and your
> taxes
> >>>> are
> >>>> paying my medical bills,
> >>>>
> >>>> Thanks,
> >>>>
> >>>> Hank
> >>>>
> >>>> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 8:50 PM, Brad Haslett <flybrad at gmail.com>
> wrote:
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>> MJM,
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Too funny!  Whoever wrote the definitions of tools was obviously an
> >>>>> aircraft homebuilder. I broke the little finger on my left hand last
> >>>>> spring working on my airplane, the only digit on either hand that
> >>>>> hadn't previously been broken using a Milwaukee 90 degree electric
> >>>>> drill with what I determined to be a faulty switch.  I called
> >>>>> Milwaukee the next day and explained what happened, how it happened,
> >>>>> and what the problem with their product was - explained that I didn't
> >>>>> want any money, just wanted to give them a heads-up call.  I got
> >>>>> "yada, yada, yada, that's the first we've ever heard of this issue".
> >>>>> The product was off the shelf nationwide within a week.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> It takes a couple of decades to figure this out, but it is cheaper to
> >>>>> pay the professionals to do a lot of different jobs than it is to pay
> >>>>> the medical bills.  As my brother says, "you can't beat a man at his
> >>>>> own craft".
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Brad
> >>>>>
> >>>>> On Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 7:18 PM, michael meltzer <
> mjm at michaelmeltzer.com>
> >>>>> wrote:
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a
> male
> >>>>>> buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> tall
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> mug of coffee.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> buffalo
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> and
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> then just walks out.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> pulling
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> says
> >>>>> to
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> the waiter 'Want coffee.'
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
> >>>>>> yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> States
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
> others
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> to
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> clean up, disappear for rest of day.'
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> --
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Common tools explained:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> DRILL PRESS:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> stock
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> beer
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer
> which
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> you
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> WIRE WHEEL:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> workbench
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> calluses
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit!"
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die
> of
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> old
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> age.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> SKILL SAW:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> PLIERS:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Tool used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> >>>>>> blood-blisters.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> BELT SANDER:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
> jobs
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> into
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> major refinishing jobs.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> HACKSAW:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> It
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
> the
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> more
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> becomes.
> >>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> VISE-GRIPS:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> nothing
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> heat
> >>>>> to
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> the palm of your hand.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> WELDING GLOVES:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> Welding-
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> heat to the palm of your hand.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> shop
> >>>>> on
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you
> want
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> the
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> bearing race out of.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> TABLE SAW:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> for
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> testing wall integrity.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
> installed
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> your
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic
> jack
> >>>>>> handle.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly
> off
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> in
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> BAND SAW:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
> good
> >>>>>> aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
> trash
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> can
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> forgot
> >>>>> to
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> disconnect.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
> >>>>>> screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> See hacksaw.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> old-style
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> be
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> slotted
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> screws into non-removable screws.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> PRY BAR:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> needed
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> HOSE CUTTER:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> A tool used to make hoses too short.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> HAMMER:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
> as
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> a
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> the
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> object we are trying to hit.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> delivered
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as
> seats,
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> vinyl
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector  magazines, refund
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> checks,
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> clothes,
> >>>>> but
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> only while in use.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> DAMMIT TOOL:
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
> yelling
> >>>>>> "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> tool
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> that you will need.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> __________________________________________________
> >>>>>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing list go
> to
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> __________________________________________________
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>> __________________________________________________
> >>>>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing list go
> to
> >>>>> http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> >>>>> __________________________________________________
> >>>>>
> >>>>>
> >>>> __________________________________________________
> >>>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing list go to
> >>>> http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> >>>> __________________________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>> __________________________________________________
> >>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing list go to
> >>> http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> >>> __________________________________________________
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> >>
> > __________________________________________________
> > To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing list go to
> http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> > __________________________________________________
> >
> __________________________________________________
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