[Rhodes22-list] jokes
Herb Parsons
hparsons at parsonsys.com
Mon Sep 29 22:55:03 EDT 2008
Oh my my, you MUST read it. It's really not SF (sci-fi??? No, the term
in SF), it's about human nature in a SF setting. You'll enjoy it.
I'll bet my good reputation with you on it...
elle wrote:
> No.....I just Googled it & it sounds like somethhing that would be to my liking.. I don't usually like sci-fi, but I do like Asimov & Bradbury.
>
> elle
>
> We can't change the angle of the wind....but we can adjust our sails.
>
> 1992 Rhodes 22 Recyc '06 "WaterMusic" (Lady in Red)
>
>
> --- On Mon, 9/29/08, Herb Parsons <hparsons at parsonsys.com> wrote:
>
>
>> From: Herb Parsons <hparsons at parsonsys.com>
>> Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
>> To: "The Rhodes 22 Email List" <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
>> Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 10:06 PM
>> Have you ever read the short story "Jokester" by
>> Isaac Asimov?
>>
>>
>>
>> elle wrote:
>>
>>> Brad,
>>>
>>> Thank you for the best five minutes of the day, week,
>>>
>> and month.
>>
>>> Ya have to have a sideways look at life to appreciate
>>>
>> a good pun....a really good one has the 'time -delay
>> ' factor: a blank look followed by the 'aha!...
>> That's funnier than the pun. LOVE 'em,! and I have
>> to thank my dad, who was an inveterate punster. I once asked
>> him for a rubber band; he replied that he had none there but
>> had a steel orchestra in the garage.
>>
>>> Here are more:
>>>
>>> 1.Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated
>>>
>> from his feet, I find him very annoying.
>>
>>> I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.
>>>
>>> 2. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm
>>>
>> not so sure...
>>
>>> 3. For some people the only puns they make are about
>>>
>> dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When
>> they think of one, they tend to milk it for all it's
>> worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda enough,
>> but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones.
>>
>>> I cheddar to think what they'll come out with
>>>
>> next.
>>
>>> If you want a real challenge, try explaining a
>>>
>> 400-year-old pun from Shakespeare to a 9th grader...
>>
>>> ;^)
>>>
>>>
>>> elle
>>>
>>>
>>> We can't change the angle of the wind....but we
>>>
>> can adjust our sails.
>>
>>> 1992 Rhodes 22 Recyc '06 "WaterMusic"
>>>
>> (Lady in Red)
>>
>>> --- On Mon, 9/29/08, Brad Haslett
>>>
>> <flybrad at gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>>
>>>
>>>> From: Brad Haslett <flybrad at gmail.com>
>>>> Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
>>>> To: "The Rhodes 22 Email List"
>>>>
>> <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
>>
>>>> Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 12:18 PM
>>>> This just in from my old HS guidance counselor
>>>>
>> (who mostly
>>
>>>> said during
>>>> that period, "I know nothing"). I hate
>>>>
>> to get on
>>
>>>> a soapbox and then
>>>> run, but the "Elles" and
>>>>
>> "Gregs" in the
>>
>>>> world are so rare and so
>>>> special when you find them that you just have to
>>>>
>> brag!
>>
>>>> -----------------------
>>>>
>>>> Here are the top 10 winners in the International
>>>>
>> Pun
>>
>>>> Contest.
>>>>
>>>> 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
>>>> raccoons. The
>>>> Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm
>>>>
>> sorry, sir,
>>
>>>> only one carrion
>>>> allowed per passenger.
>>>>
>>>> 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
>>>>
>> turns to the
>>
>>>> other and
>>>> says, 'Dam!'
>>>>
>>>> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
>>>>
>> they lit
>>
>>>> a fire in
>>>> the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once
>>>>
>> again that
>>
>>>> you can't
>>>> have your kayak and heat it, too.
>>>>
>>>> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says,
>>>>
>> 'I've lost
>>
>>>> my electron.' The
>>>> other says, 'Are you sure?' The first
>>>> replies,'Yes, I'm positive.'
>>>>
>>>> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
>>>>
>> Novocain
>>
>>>> during a root canal?
>>>> His goal: transcend dental medication.
>>>>
>>>> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
>>>>
>> hotel and
>>
>>>> were
>>>> standing in the lobby discussing their recent
>>>>
>> tournament
>>
>>>> victories.
>>>> After about an hour, the manager came out of the
>>>>
>> office and
>>
>>>> asked them
>>>> to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved
>>>> off.'Because,' he said,
>>>> 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
>>>>
>> open
>>
>>>> foyer.'
>>>>
>>>> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for
>>>>
>> adoption. One
>>
>>>> of them goes
>>>> to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other
>>>>
>> goes to
>>
>>>> a family in
>>>> Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan
>>>>
>> sends a
>>
>>>> picture of
>>>> himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
>>>>
>> picture,
>>
>>>> she tells her
>>>> husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
>>>>
>> Ahmal.
>>
>>>> Her husband
>>>> responds, 'They're twins! If you've
>>>>
>> seen Juan,
>>
>>>> you've seen Ahmal.'
>>>>
>>>> 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry
>>>>
>> payments,
>>
>>>> so they
>>>> opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
>>>>
>> everyone
>>
>>>> liked to
>>>> buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist
>>>>
>> across
>>
>>>> town thought
>>>> the competition was unfair. He asked the good
>>>>
>> fathers to
>>
>>>> close down,
>>>> but they would not. He went back and begged the
>>>>
>> friars to
>>
>>>> close. They
>>>> ignored him.
>>>> So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
>>>>
>> roughest
>>
>>>> and most
>>>> vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to
>>>>
>> close.
>>
>>>> Hugh beat up the
>>>> friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be
>>>>
>> back if
>>
>>>> they didn't
>>>> close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
>>>>
>> proving that
>>
>>>> only Hugh
>>>> can prevent florist friars.
>>>>
>>>> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
>>>>
>> most of the
>>
>>>> time,
>>>> which produced an impressive set of calluses on
>>>>
>> his feet.
>>
>>>> He also ate
>>>> very little, which made him rather frail and, with
>>>>
>> his odd
>>
>>>> diet, he
>>>> suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man,
>>>>
>> this is
>>
>>>> SO BAD, it's
>>>> good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
>>>>
>> halitosis.
>>
>>>> 10. And, finally, there was the person who sent
>>>>
>> ten
>>
>>>> different puns to
>>>> friends, with the hope that at least one of the
>>>>
>> puns would
>>
>>>> make them
>>>> laugh. No pun in ten did.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> On Sat, Sep 27, 2008 at 5:06 PM, michael meltzer
>>>> <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> When I got home last night, my wife demanded
>>>>>
>> that I
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> take her someplace
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> expensive....
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> So, I took her to a gas station.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> And that's how the fight started....
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>> ************************************************************************
>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> After retiring, I went to the Social Security
>>>>>
>> office
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> to apply for Social
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> Security. The woman behind the counter asked
>>>>>
>> me for my
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> driver's license to
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
>>>>>
>> realized I
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> had left my wallet at
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> home.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
>>>>>
>> would
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> have to go home and come
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> shirt'. So I opened my shirt
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
>>>>>
>> 'That
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> silver hair on your chest is
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> proof enough for me' and she processed my
>>>>>
>> Social
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> Security application.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
>>>>>
>> about my
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> experience at the Social
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> Security office.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> She said, 'You should have dropped your
>>>>>
>> pants. You
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> might have gotten
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> disability, too'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> And that's how the fight started.....
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>> ***********************************************************************
>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
>>>>>
>> high
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> school reunion, and I kept
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
>>>>>
>> as she
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> sat alone at a nearby
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> table.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> right after we split up those many years ago,
>>>>>
>> and I
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> hear she hasn't been
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> sober since'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would
>>>>>
>> think a
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> person could go on celebrating
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> that long?'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> And that's how the fight started......
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>> ***********************************************************************
>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> I rear-ended a car this morning.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> So, there we were alongside the road and
>>>>>
>> slowly the
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> other driver got out of
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> his car. You know how sometimes you just get
>>>>>
>> soooo
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> stressed and little
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
>>>>>
>> couldn't
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> believe it.... He was a
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> DWARF!!!
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me,
>>>>>
>> and
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well,
>>>>>
>> then
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> which one are you?'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> And that's how the fight started.......
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>> ***********************************************************************
>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
>>>>>
>> Miller
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> Light for $14.95.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
>>>>>
>> $7.95. I
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> told her the beer would
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> make her look better at night than the cold
>>>>>
>> cream.
>>
>>>>>
>>>>> And that's how the fight started.....
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>> ************************************************************************
>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter,
>>>>>
>> for some
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> reason, took my order
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> first.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "I'll have the strip steak, medium
>>>>>
>> rare,
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> please."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> He said, "Aren't you worried about
>>>>>
>> the mad
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> cow?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> "Nah, she can order for herself."
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> And that's how the fight started..
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> --
>>>>>
>>>>> A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of
>>>>>
>> beer and
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> a ham sandwich.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang
>>>>>
>> on!
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> You're a duck.'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'I see your eyes are working,' replies
>>>>>
>> the
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> duck.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'And you can talk!' exclaims the
>>>>>
>> barman.
>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'I see your ears are working, too,'
>>>>>
>> says the
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> duck. 'Now if you don't mind,
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> can I have my beer and my sandwich
>>>>>
>> please?'
>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says
>>>>>
>> the barman
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> as he pulls the duck's pint.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'It's just we don't get many ducks
>>>>>
>> in this
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> pub. What are you doing round
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> this way?'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'I'm working on the building site
>>>>>
>> across the
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> a plasterer.'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the
>>>>>
>> duck and
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> wants to learn more,
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a
>>>>>
>> newspaper
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> from his bag and
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> proceeds to read it.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer,
>>>>>
>> eats
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> his sandwich, bids the
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> barman good day and leaves.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> The same thing happens for two weeks.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Then one day the circus comes to town.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint
>>>>>
>> and the
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> barman says to him
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'You're with the circus, aren't
>>>>>
>> you? Well,
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> I know this duck that could be
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> just brilliant in your circus. He talks,
>>>>>
>> drinks beer,
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> eats sandwiches, reads
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> the newspaper and everything!'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Sounds marvelous,' says the
>>>>>
>> ringmaster,
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> handing over his business card.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'Get him to give me a call.'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> So the next day when the duck comes into the
>>>>>
>> pub the
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> barman says, 'Hey Mr.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top
>>>>>
>> job,
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> paying really good money.'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'I'm always looking for the next
>>>>>
>> job,'
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> says the duck. 'Where is it?'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'At the circus,' says the barman.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'The circus?' repeats the duck.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'That's right,' replies the
>>>>>
>> barman.
>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'The circus?' the duck asks again.
>>>>>
>> 'That
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> place with the big tent?'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'Yeah,' the barman replies.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'With all the animals who live in cages,
>>>>>
>> and
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> performers who live in
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> caravans?' says the duck.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Of course,' the barman replies.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big
>>>>>
>> canvas
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> roof with a hole in the
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> middle?' persists the duck.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> 'That's right!' says the barman.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> The duck shakes his head in amazement, and
>>>>>
>> says
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> 'What the f#ck would they
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> want with a plasterer?'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> --
>>>>>
>>>>> One evening a husband, thinking he was being
>>>>>
>> funny,
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> said to his wife,
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'Perhaps we should start washing your
>>>>>
>> clothes in
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> Slim Fast.- maybe it would
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> take a few inches off of your butt!!'
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> His wife was not amused, and decided that she
>>>>>
>> simply
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> couldn't let such a
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> comment go un rewarded.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> The next morning the husband took a pair of
>>>>>
>> underwear
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> out of his drawer.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'What the heck is this?' he said to
>>>>>
>> himself as
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> a little 'dust' cloud
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> appeared when he shook them out.
>>>>>
>> 'April,' he
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> hollered into the bathroom,
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> 'Why did you put talcum powder in my
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> underwear?'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> She replied with a snicker, 'It's not
>>>>>
>> talcum
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> powder ... it's Miracle Grow.'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> --
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>> __________________________________________________
>>
>>>>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with
>>>>>
>> using the
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> mailing list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
>>>>
>>>>
>> __________________________________________________
>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>> __________________________________________________
>>>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using
>>>>
>> the mailing
>>
>>>> list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
>>>> __________________________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>> __________________________________________________
>>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the
>>>
>> mailing list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
>>
>>> __________________________________________________
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>> __________________________________________________
>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing
>> list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
>> __________________________________________________
>>
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________
> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
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