[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[michael meltzer]

Management Course

 

Lesson 1: 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. 

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' 

 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure. 

 

 

Lesson 2: 

A pastor offered the church organ player a lift. 

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. 

 

The pastor nearly had an accident. 

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. 

 

The organist said, 'Remember Psalm 129?' 

 

The pastor removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.

 

The organist once again said, 'Remember Psalm 129?' 

 

The pastor apologized 'Sorry, but the flesh is weak.' 

 

Arriving at the destination, the organist sighed heavily and went on her
way. 

 

On his arrival at the church, the pastor rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity. 

 

Lesson 3: 

A TTA, an Administration Clerk, and the Manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you
just one wish.' 

 

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' 

 

Puff! She's gone. 

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the TTA. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the
love of my life.' 

 

Puff! He's gone. 

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. 

 

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

 

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. 

 

Lesson 4 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'

 

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up. 

 

Lesson 5 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

 

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

 

Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.. 

 

Lesson 6 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field. 

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. 

 

The dung was actually thawing him out! 

 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing
cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 

 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

 

Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2)
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in
deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! 

 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

 

--

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

 

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

 

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

 

Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

 

Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading emails. Hang in there sunshine!

 

 

--

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

 

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like. 

 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

 

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the
coming winter going to be cold ?'

 

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at
the weather service responded.

 

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared

 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 

 

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be
a very cold winter.' 

 

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.

 

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

 

 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going
to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. 

 

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

 

Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!

 

 

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