[Rhodes22-list] What not to say! (Friday funnies)

[R22RumRunner at aol.com]

One  year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a  cemetery

plot as  a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a  gift.

When  she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still  haven't

used the  gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight  started.....

************ *********  ********* ********* ********* ****

My wife walked into the den &  asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied  "Dust".

And that's how the fight  started.....

************ ********* *********  ********* ********* ****

A woman is standing nude, looking in  the bedroom mirror. She is

not happy with what she sees and  says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me

a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your  eyesight's _d at m_ 
(http://us.mc540.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=d@m) ^  near perfect.'

And that's how the fight  started.....

************ *********  ********* ********* ********* ****

My wife was hinting about what she  wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want  something shiny that goes from 0

to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought  her a scale.

And that's how the fight  started.....

************ *********  ********* ********* ********* ****

I asked my wife, 'Where do you  want to go for our anniversary? '

It warmed my heart to see her  face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long  time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the  kitchen?'

And that's how the fight  started....

************ ********* *********  ********* ********* ****

My wife and I are watching Who  Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed. I turned to her and  said, 'Do you want to have sex?

'No,' she  answered.

I then said, 'Is that your  final answer?'

She didn't even look at me  this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to  phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight  started....

************ ********* *********  ********* ********* ****

When I got home last night, my wife  demanded that I take her

someplace expensive. So, I took her  to a gas station.

And that's how the fight  started.....

************  ********* ********* ********* ********* ****

I tried to talk my wife into buying  a case of Miller Light for

$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of  cold cream for $7.95. I

told her the beer would make her  look better at night than the

cold cream

And  that's how the fight started.....

************ ********* *********  ********* ********* ****

My wife and I were sitting at a  table at my high school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady  swigging her drink as she

sat alone at a nearby  table.

My wife  asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old  girlfriend. I understand she took

to drinking right after we split up  those many years ago, and I

hear she hasn't been sober  since.'

'My  God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go  on

celebrating  that long?'

And  that's how the fight started.....


************ ********* *********  ********* ********* ****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The  waiter, for some reason,

took my order first. 'I'll have the  strip steak, medium rare,

please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about  the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for  herself.'

And  that's how the fight  started....






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