[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too but on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

 

 - from Sandy Fraser

 

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REJECTED NURSERY RHYMES
 
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON
Met a Pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY
Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
who had a little curl!
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.



 - from Jimi Pocius

 

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A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
 2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

"Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



 - from Kevin Haggerty

 

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Top 11 signs your server room needs a spring cleaning

 

11) You discover that someone accidentally plugged the lights on the company Christmas tree into your router
10) During a rewiring party you come across 300-baud modems, and they're still being used
 9) The U.S. Army asks to use your patch panel as an example of effective tank-barrier construction
 8) Your college intern mistakenly thinks he's in his dorm room
 7) Donut and bagel wrappers are swirling around behind the server exhausts like those fall leaves you didn't rake
 6) You find documents pertaining to OS/2
 5) The wiring is all dust-bunny gray
 4) Everyone compliments you on your suspended floor system, but you didn't install one
 3) That tech you sent in there two days ago? He hasn't been seen since, though somebody did find one of his shoes under a rack
 2) The server changes its own screensaver to "Dust Me!"
 1) You find that one of your servers was designed by Charles Babbage

 

 - from John Raso

 

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Did you know it is a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible - it says, "Hebrews"!

 

 - from Sue Greene


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